First item of business, boys… boy really… hmmm… let’s revise that further to man. The truth is, I have really fallen for him. There are so many butterflies in my stomach my insides could be an exhibit! However, despite all the floaty feelings, he’s not my everything. Ya know? I would love to cook for him daily, and give him big hugs and massage his shoulders and encourage him, but if I don’t get to do those things I won’t be sulking in a puddle of tears. He is quite a wonderful man, and I would dearly like to know him better and to grow our friendship and possibly become more than friends, but I understand that he’s got his own opinion regarding the matter. I don’t know how he feels about me, and I don’t need to know at this point. He’s not required to tell me, just as I’m not required to tell him. I’ve had many close friends encourage me toward just telling him how I feel. I’m not gonna do it. My actions are obvious, he doesn’t need my words as well. I don’t think it’s my place as a woman to pursue, and I’ve probably already crossed that line with my actions. I’m moving to Wisconsin in less than two weeks. I will go there regardless of if he likes me and tells me so. However, if he were to tell me, I would come back, God willing. I want this relationship a lot… more than I’ve wanted one with anyone else. God needs me to want Him more. I need to figure out how to drop desires and pursue God. Pray for me. Love you!
I can’t believe Diversion from Essay-Writing was my last post. Crazy! Well, some stuff has definitely happened since then. I’m not sure what is the most important or interesting to you guys (if anyone reads this anymore), but since I can’t decide, I’ll just share about the walk I took with God earlier today. You know how some nights there’s something that keeps nagging at you… something that says ‘this isn’t right?’ This was one of those nights for me. I lay in my bed resting for close to 2 hours, sending only a few texts out. I was supposed to be napping, but something kept me from taking the final plunge into sleep. After about 2 hours of listening to Charlie Hall’s “Center” and David Crowder Band’s “Only You” and having feelings of complete surrender mixed with incomplete surrender (I will explain), I decided I needed a walk and talk with God. I was hopeful that the stars would be out. They were not. Alas, God can hear me even with cloudy skies. So I put a coat on over my pjs and slipped some shoes on and headed off down our country road. Being that Pastor Tim’s sermon this morning was on being Thankful, I started off my prayers thanking God, and quickly declined into the what’s and why’s (trying to still be thankful throughout the prayers). Now I will explain the psuedo-complete surrender. While listening to the music I gave everything to the Lord, all of my hopes and fears and dreams… all of it… and then… I went back to imagining hugging Mr. X (you knew it was coming) and loving him so completely. So I realized, “hey, this isn’t surrendering” so I gave it to God again – back to peace and joy in Christ… which turned to joy and hope about Mr. X. Dang it- gave it away again. “It’s just you and me here now, here now… only you and me.. and Mr. X.” What the heck; just leave me alone! This continued for a while before i took the walk. Obviously, I was conflicted. I have the truth that only God is completely satisfying and all of my hope should be in him but I also have this desire for godly husband who I can love and encourage and bake cookies for. Now, I know, that part of me that wants this Mr. X is my flesh: 1. He is the best looking man I’ve ever met 2. He likes my cookies and that makes me very happy 3. … did I mention he’s flippin gorgeous? ANYWAYS, so yes. My flesh definitely desires him, but what about my spirit? Is it the flesh or the spirit that makes me so joyful when he wants me to think well of him? Is it the flesh or the spirit that makes me joyful when I see him scribbling notes in his bible? Is it the flesh or the spirit that makes me joyful that he understands the freedoms he has as a Christian, but also the responsibility that comes from those freedoms out of love for his brothers and sisters? Is it wrong to desire a relationship with a godly man? No. However, it is wrong to covet a relationship. How can God be #1 in my life when I’m melting over one of his sons?
….3:05 brain stopped functioning, you get the abridged version
Basically through the rest of our walk, God reminded me that he knows everything. What do I mean by everything? EVERYTHING. He knows what’s best and he’s got control. I need to trust him, that he’s going to work things together for his glory. He’s blessed me so much already, if he didn’t bless me with one single thing more till the day I die, he would have still blessed me beyond what I deserve! So what if I don’t get married ever? God is in control. So I decided tonight, that I’m not going to pretend to choose my future mate (I suck at making decisions anyway), I am going to let God choose – by his own way, in his own time, whoever he wants, God is going to determine the course of my life. And that gives me so much peace! 
You said it’s my choice
Can I choose you?
Your epic sense of style
and your eyes so blue
And speaking of eyes,
So what if they’re green?
When I look through these tears
Only beauty can be seen
What about your humor?
Can I choose that too?
To hear your quirky comebacks
As each day is renewed?
Is your soul off limits
or can that be my choice?
Your undying love for God
Proclaimed by your voice
Is any part of you
quite beyond my reach
Or would you give me your heart
If I did so beseech?
But who am I kidding
That’s not what you meant
When you imparted my choice
With the last text you sent
I guess I’ll keep quiet
I guess I’ll be still
And I won’t make a choice
Because I trust that God will
possible future lyrics to a song:
torn between sleep and stars
So, I’ve been busy with work and school and not much else recently. I’ve been in the process of making some sweet friends and getting to be better friends with old ones. Life is pretty grand! I wish I had more to tell you, but I can’t think of much to say right now. All my love!
the truth is, because I miss you, but value your friendship too much to tell you… and that’s why you’ll never know.
*sigh*
Hey y’all! I’m just typing a quick post between my classes this wonderful Wednesday. Dropped by my coach’s office today and we chatted for a bit. He’s got to be one of my favorite people ever Then I meandered over to BK to get a chicken sandwich and dropped off a little letter for Chris. Right now I am watching/listening to a video about terrorism and torture and stuff. It’s moving along pretty slowly, but if I watch these videos and type up summaries for them I get extra credit, so I figure it is worth it. I guess I should focus on that. Love yas!
So, I wrote a little something tonight on my gui-tar, and I think it sounds pretty good, although I’m not very good at switching chords yet. It goes to some words in Psalm 119, and is pretty much only a chorus, but you’ve got to start somewhere, right? Anyway, it goes a-like theeeees:
Give me life, according to you word
I am laid low, down in the dust
Give me life, according to you word
Turn my eyes from the things of the world
*random aside* I cheated on both the facebook thing and the cell phone thing today. Dang it… and on top of that, I just lost the game 
You know, it’s been a while since I’ve looked under the folder simply titled “Music” on my computer. Mostly, this is because that’s where I put all the free downloads from Itickets. I enjoy several of the songs that I’ve acquired from there, but the thing is, I don’t have them as a hard copy, so I typically don’t listen to them enough to rank them among the songs I love. Anyways, I’ve got a few other songs in there that I didn’t get from Itickets. These songs were e-mailed to me from my friend Clint… namely because he played in the recordings. ^_^ Anyways, today I decided to listen to them, and they really are something else. They are praise. But not in the sense that so many other songs are praise. These songs are not sung for other people, they are sung for God. While you could easily sing these in a congregation, several of these could be whispered as prayers when you’re by yourself doing devotions. That is why I suggest you check out Jared Wood at his myspace site: http://www.myspace.com/Jaredwoodmusic. Trust me. You won’t be disappointed. ^_^
Why is this the first time I’ve heard DC*B’s Dirty Beats Mix of Open Skies? It’s just like… perfect! <3 it!
Also… there's a person in my vicinity who is wearing the most amazing smelling something ever. It's driving me crazy! Gosh, why am I so affected by smells? I should ask every person around me what fragrance they are wearing and systematically eliminate them until the one that's driving me crazy is the only one left. No wait… I shouldn't do that. That would prove my craziness… and probably creep out a fair number of people in the process.
Anyways, I'm just chillin' in LCC's computer lab right now, and don't know what else to do. I've taken a hiatus from Facebook and texting. I'm not sure how long it will last, I just know that they consumer too much of my attention and thus must be removed so that I can form a better relationship with God. I was reading a couple Proverbs and listening to DC*B on their Purevolume, but I took a short break from the reading to blog on the song and smell. I was going to get ahead in my WRIT122 class, but when I went to check the book out of the Library, someone already was using it. I guess I should probably print off a political article of some sort and write an opinion on it so I can get extra credit in my POLS120 class. Sounds like a good idea. I'll do that. And maybe get something to eat. A piece of apple pie is by no means a healthy breakfast, and if I put it off, it may be my lunch as well :-S
*hugs love and prayer*
—-random thought—-
Old-school MAE sounds kinda like Owl City
